Ah yes, I really need that at the moment. Four years ago I wished for the same thing, the imaginary Drawer of Nothingness that will keep my thoughts away for a while before they burst out of my ears. At the end of this entry, some might call me a selfish and spoilt brat, ignorant, lazy, or simply a miserable lady who has no clue what to do with her life.
Despite all the abundance.
Yes, I know how abundantly blessed I have been throughout life. I had a fantastic year in 2011. The new love, the new people coming into my life, the wonderful weddings (we celebrated our weddings three times, if you don’t see what I meant by abundance). My husband is such a lovely guy, I am truly cherished by my Father to be able to have him as mine. But, if I may be honest, sometimes abundance can be too overwhelming.
After all the hype and hoo-ha (in a good way, of course) in 2011 and early 2012, I finally settled into reality. And the reality really hit me in the face. It felt like I’ve been dreaming a mini-series of great dreams and now it’s time to wake up.
I now live far away from my family; my dad, my mom, my brother. I have no job. I seem to lose my passion, in everything. I feel like my identity is sucked out of me. I can’t really explain how it happened in the first place, but I feel like a battered soldier, who have been marching for I don’t know how long and suddenly I realize I don’t know what I’ve been marching for. We’ve got a new house. I’m not saying I don’t like it. I love it, the house is very nice. I just don’t feel I deserve it. These feeling of guilt, numb, passionless, dissatisfaction, all entwined in my daily life. I may be waking up every morning and go around do stuff that I need to do, but seriously, I feel dead.
One may wonder, “but you just got married. Shouldn’t you be happy? You’ve got a new house. Shouldn’t you be happy?”. Oh dear, I certainly know now that life is not that simple. If you’re not ready to split and share your life with someone else, for the rest of your life, then you better be careful about your decision.
Marriage teaches you to be humble, and forgiving, and selfless. Every single day. When you don’t have those things ready in your pocket, you’re done. There were days when I could be so mad I could kill someone, and there were days I would be so grateful that I might die without them. There was a quote that said, “falling in love is beautiful. Expectation kills it”. I’ve proved it for so many times I lost count. But I promise I will keep learning day by day. I’ve promised that I’m willing to be chiseled all my life when it comes to my marriage.
I just long to feel alive again. And I just don’t know where to start. Before all the daily hustle and bustle is taking over my life, before all the raps about ‘when are you having a baby? udah isi belom? ga nyusul?’ causing me to claw someone’s eye out. Dude, we’re not ready yet, just leave us be. Before a baby is really coming their way, because I don’t want to turn into someone I don’t like.
Life is simpler when you’re single, but it’s prettier when you have someone to share it with. I just think that it would be much prettier if one had the passion to go through it.
Okay, now I sound suicidal. Not good.
Anyway, just a thought. One may say that it’s the little thoughts that count. I hope this one will find its solution. I just need to lay this one out, whatever it is. I need to keep writing, I feel so agitated for not being able to just sit quietly and just type away my thoughts as often anymore.
Daddy, what have I become? I feel so lost, so tired. Like a nest without the eggs inside; empty and pointless. I feel so selfish, and ignorant, and suffocated by life. I just don’t know where to start fixing it. I know only You can save me, give me back my identity. I’m holding on to Your promise, really. I didn’t know that after an-hour long queue to Joseph Prince’s service last month, one verse convicted me. I’m still holding on to that, Daddy. Can’t wait for it to happen.
Anyway, time for bed now. Another long day awaits. Your joy, Daddy, please?
“sit still, my daughter, until you learn how the matter turns out; for the Man will not rest until He finishes the matter today” – Ruth 3: 18