: impossible to understand or comprehend; unintelligible.
I think that word sums up this year. Though it’s not end of the year yet, but there has been way too many and way too painful events that I had to face so far that have left me speechless, powerless, less understand about this world.
I woke up a bit earlier this morning. Well, 2 hours earlier so maybe that was quite a lot for me. Out of habit, I reached out to check Mandy, my pink-padded Blackberry, and found that Andrew has left me a message an hour before I woke up. A simple “hunnyyy”, but never cease to fail to make my heart flutters. A simple but consistent gesture, a trademark of his that has been with me since we started going out, a one-liner that means “hey, I’m thinking of you”. Like always, this morning I replied, “Sayang :)”, and was expecting to get a heboh “huuuunnnyyyyyy :):):)” in return. But not this morning.
“Hunny, A…. -nya S…. passed away this morning”
I felt like someone punched my stomach, and got me paralyzed.
“What ?? Whyyy??”
My mind went straight to S. O Daddy, they just got married last April. They’re months to go to welcome their first child. They’re still so young, both are younger than me. My mind reached out to her. O Daddy please keep her and the baby safe. And then the denial started kicking in. “But why? Why now? Why so soon? Why them?”. Why why why and why.
It took me back to mid May this year. My family had been fighting for my aunty’s life. She had been in a coma for a month already by that time, and at the end we decided it was time to take her home to Jakarta, together with the life-support machines, on May 10. Late night on May 11, I uploaded my confused thought on Facebook, “There comes to a point when I question; if God loves, then why?. But then, I am humbly reminded, ‘why not?’. Your grace is enough.”.
She passed away the next morning. I learnt a new meaning of the word “anguish” that morning. I might’ve let go the night before, but I guess it’s always harder to say than done, yea?
After the sad news this morning, questions and indignations started bubbling up inside my head. I’m sorry for being so weak and selfish and demanding, Lord. I questioned Your ways to show mercy, I questioned the fairness of all these sad losses. But again, who am I to question my Maker?
I might think that it wasn’t fair that my Great Aunt had to die, after only being admitted to hospital for one night. She should’ve had better reward after all that she’s been through in her life.
I might think that it wasn’t fair that my dearest Ik Tjiam had to suffer so many challenges and inflictions a woman could barely bear on her own, with her husband passed away the year before, and had to be in a vegetative state for so long before it all ended.
I might think that it wasn’t fair for S that the husband had to leave her so soon, way too soon.
I don’t understand. But maybe I don’t have to. As much as I know and feel how much God loves me, I’m starting to learn the true authority of His being. I don’t understand, and there’s nothing I can add up to my brain in order for me to understand better.
I fear things that I don’t understand. So, I fear death. I think about various scenarios of deaths in my head sometimes. I thought about what happened to S several times, too. I’m not sure if this is even normal. I just thought that maybe, if I have thought about it, I would know what to do when it does happen.
I feel so miserable right now, this is not right.
Few years ago, when I took SOM classes at BIC, we talked about the incomprehensible nature of our God. I shouldn’t be surprised, should I? I am learning every day, I hope I am.
Bereavements mostly leave people taking things slowly. Or more intently. You say “I love you” more than you usually do, or maybe you finally say it for the first time. You hold hands longer, you walk slower, you speak softer. You pay more attention to things you used not to, you listen more. I hope all these won’t go away, the realization that things shouldn’t be taken for granted. Regrets don’t pay back the losses.
I pray that Your strength be with us all, Daddy, especially for the bereaved families. Open my eyes so that I understand, though I might not be there yet, that in this incomprehensible time, Your incomprehensible LOVE cover everything.