incomprehensible.

incomprehensible [in-kom-pri-hen-suh-buhl]
adjective
: impossible to understand or comprehend; unintelligible.

I think that word sums up this year. Though it’s not end of the year yet, but there has been way too many and way too painful events that I had to face so far that have left me speechless, powerless, less understand about this world.
I woke up a bit earlier this morning. Well, 2 hours earlier so maybe that was quite a lot for me. Out of habit, I reached out to check Mandy, my pink-padded Blackberry, and found that Andrew has left me a message an hour before I woke up. A simple “hunnyyy”, but never cease to fail to make my heart flutters. A simple but consistent gesture, a trademark of his that has been with me since we started going out, a one-liner that means “hey, I’m thinking of you”. Like always, this morning I replied, “Sayang :)”, and was expecting to get a heboh “huuuunnnyyyyyy :):):)” in return. But not this morning.
“Hunny, A…. -nya S…. passed away this morning”
I felt like someone punched my stomach, and got me paralyzed.
“What ?? Whyyy??”
My mind went straight to S. O Daddy, they just got married last April. They’re months to go to welcome their first child. They’re still so young, both are younger than me. My mind reached out to her. O Daddy please keep her and the baby safe. And then the denial started kicking in. “But why? Why now? Why so soon? Why them?”. Why why why and why.
It took me back to mid May this year. My family had been fighting for my aunty’s life. She had been in a coma for a month already by that time, and at the end we decided it was time to take her home to Jakarta, together with the life-support machines, on May 10. Late night on May 11, I uploaded my confused thought on Facebook, “There comes to a point when I question; if God loves, then why?. But then, I am humbly reminded, ‘why not?’. Your grace is enough.”.
She passed away the next morning. I learnt a new meaning of the word “anguish” that morning. I might’ve let go the night before, but I guess it’s always harder to say than done, yea?
After the sad news this morning, questions and indignations started bubbling up inside my head. I’m sorry for being so weak and selfish and demanding, Lord. I questioned Your ways to show mercy, I questioned the fairness of all these sad losses. But again, who am I to question my Maker?
I might think that it wasn’t fair that my Great Aunt had to die, after only being admitted to hospital for one night. She should’ve had better reward after all that she’s been through in her life.
I might think that it wasn’t fair that my dearest Ik Tjiam had to suffer so many challenges and inflictions a woman could barely bear on her own, with her husband passed away the year before, and had to be in a vegetative state for so long before it all ended.
I might think that it wasn’t fair for S that the husband had to leave her so soon, way too soon.
I don’t understand. But maybe I don’t have to. As much as I know and feel how much God loves me, I’m starting to learn the true authority of His being. I don’t understand, and there’s nothing I can add up to my brain in order for me to understand better.
I fear things that I don’t understand. So, I fear death. I think about various scenarios of deaths in my head sometimes. I thought about what happened to S several times, too. I’m not sure if this is even normal. I just thought that maybe, if I have thought about it, I would know what to do when it does happen.
I feel so miserable right now, this is not right.
Few years ago, when I took SOM classes at BIC, we talked about the incomprehensible nature of our God. I shouldn’t be surprised, should I? I am learning every day, I hope I am.
Bereavements mostly leave people taking things slowly. Or more intently. You say “I love you” more than you usually do, or maybe you finally say it for the first time. You hold hands longer, you walk slower, you speak softer. You pay more attention to things you used not to, you listen more. I hope all these won’t go away, the realization that things shouldn’t be taken for granted. Regrets don’t pay back the losses.
I pray that Your strength be with us all, Daddy, especially for the bereaved families. Open my eyes so that I understand, though I might not be there yet, that in this incomprehensible time, Your incomprehensible LOVE cover everything.

uhm.. yes. It’s finally out.

In case you wondered what the heck this thing is.. It’s an Australian spouse visa 🙂 So I get to be with my husband without having to leave the country after 3 months of stay, like what I’ve been doing for the past 2 years hehe..

I am so glad it’s out. So glad everything turns out okay in time.

I praise You, my Lord. Thank You for Your love.

 

 

a little bit of fun.

stole this from Mira’s blog hihi..

1. Have you ever been asked out?
uhm.. not when we weren’t official. does that count?

2. Where did you get your default picture?
from flickr.

3. What’s your middle name?
Medey ; dad claimed that it was his own creation, a hybrid between the city I was born in and the city he knew we would live in : Medan and Surabaya. but some said it was my grandpa who gave it to me 🙂

4. Your current relationship status?
legally married under Australian Law, but can’t wait for the official one in a month time. so what do you call that? :p

5. Does your crush like you back?
I surely hope so! haha.

6. What is your current mood?
excited, nervous, sleepy.

7. What colour of underwear are you wearing?
uhm. peach?

8. What colour shirt are you wearing?
pink and with grey paws all over it.

9. Missing something?
food. im hungreh 🙁

10. If you could go back in time and change something, what would you change?
everything happens for a reason, so no I wouldn’t change a thing. Every moment is a blessing.

11. If you must be an animal for one day, what?
A cute, plump, chirpy bird.

12. Ever had a near death experience?
erh..sort of. almost crossing the road with the traffic coming right at me, turned out I looked at the wrong traffic light? anyways..

13. Something you do a lot?
twirling my haairrr~

14. The song stuck in your head?
It Had to Be You – Tony Benet.

15. Who did you copy and paste this from?
Mira Pangkey ! 😀

16. Name someone with the same birthday as YOU?
a cousin from mum’s side, Heidy, and hubby’s cousin, Eugene.

17. When was the last time you cried?
2 nights ago. stressed out about all of these wedding thingy.

18. Have you ever sung in front of a large audience?
Hard not to have done it when you’re a singer and a choir member at church (half-copying Mira’s answer, hehe..)

19. If you could have one super power what would it be?
to create a warm, fuzzy, loving atmosphere.

20. What’s the first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
their eyes, and sense of humor.

21. What do you usually order from starbucks?
a hazelnut latte, no sugar.

22. What’s your biggest secret?
well if i wrote it down here, the answer would be invalid, wouldn’t it?

23. Favorite colour?
Red!

24. Do you still watch kiddie shows or tv shows?
not that much anymore.

26. What are you?
someone who has been blessed big time.

27. Do you speak any other language?
Indonesian, Javanese, a tiny bit of Palembangnese.

28. What’s your favourite smell?
my hubby’s =”) but if I have to give another answer, it’d be the fresh-laundered shirts of my cousins in Jakarta. the smell reminds me of my childhood since I grew up with them.

29. Describe your life in one word what would it be?
Blessed. –> not changing Mira’s answer 🙂

31. Have you ever kissed in the rain?
mmm.. no. why can’t we kiss somewhere else?

32. What are you thinking about right now?
maybe I should take a bite of that apple right there. hungry.

33. What should you be doing?
SLEEP! xD

34. Who was the last person that made you upset/angry?
like, really, seriously angry? a cousin. still asking for God’s mercy to let go of it.

35. How often do you talk to God?

every now and then. mostly at night when everything is quieter.

36. Do you like working in the yard?
not really, no. depends.

37. If you could have any last name in the world, what would you want?
haha I LOVE my surname. Never fails to get people speculating or asking questions.

38. Do you act differently around the person you like?
chirpier, usually.

39. What is your natural hair colour?
black, and proud of it.

40. Who was the last person to make you cry?
myself.