It’s been a while since I wrote anything down. I have been way too busy diving myself into this wedding preparations I can’t fit anything else into my brain. Well, who can, if you’ve got 3 parties to prepare.
Initially, these are not what I wanted. What I had in mind was a small, private wedding, where every single thing you see has some meaningful touch along with it. Where everyone knows each other, and you know them when you glance around the room.
But not these parties.
The first party will be in Bali, the so-called private one, which ended up to be attended by 140 guests. Of course it is still qualified as private, compared to the 600-plus guests invited to the second party in Surabaya. The Melbourne one will be attended by around 200 people. So yes, me and Andrew will spend our special days with almost a thousand people, people who we don’t necessarily know.
Disappointed? Yes, we are. Andrew’s had the same idea as mine, where he can prepare everything according to his standards; the decor, the sound system, the color theme, the food. But nah, the parents will have that control. He said I am luckier because at least the Bali one is using my color theme.
I have been so engulfed in this thing, I’ve been wrapping my finger so very tightly around everything that all these blessings have started to turn into a curse. I’ve been stressing out, losing my sleeping hours, failing my diet, and hurting my family. I’ve been fighting a lot with my dad, my mom and Andrew. And what’s even sadder, I’ve stopped involving God in everything.
I thought I could do everything on my own. I thought I could handle everything, making sure that all the loopholes are covered. But along the way, I am losing myself. I’m turning into this monster who gets very angry when things go wrong, or not as I requested, and I become very selfish. I throw venomous words to my parents, I don’t go to church, I screamed at my fiance, and I command and push people like a maniac. A bitch, in short. Or a short bitch. A bridezilla. Call it whatever you like.
And it’s killing me inside.
I become ungrateful, I despise things that others could only dreamed of, in some cases. Not everyone can have TWO big parties; one in Bali, and the other in Surabaya with all those facilities. I am not bragging here, I’m just showing you how ungrateful I am that despite all these things I’ve been hating my life for months!
I had a fight with my dad two days ago, over a guest list. It’s just a bloody guest list, and we actually have the space for one extra person, but I was so perfectionist I didn’t want to change things around just because of this person and Dad shouted at me. Again. That must’ve been the fourth or fifth time since this wedding preps begun that he had to scream madly at me because of the stupid guest listing. And he rarely gets mad at anyone. Couple of months ago I even got angrier and I tore apart everyone’s guest list, and called the parties off. But of course I couldn’t, almost everything have been paid for, or the deposits, at least. If I dare canceling anything that would be a suicide since I would be losing lots of money for nothing. But pride and emotions are playing up during this period, and I hate myself for that.
Andrew reminded me today, that I need to learn to let go. To see that what we’ve been having so far are such a blessing that I shouldn’t be feeling so depressed. He’s not getting the wedding he’s dreamed of himself, but he’s not as stressed as I am. Well, there are MORE bridezillas than groomzillas, I suppose. He scolded me, and said that “stop being sok tau, Daddy has been to LOTS of weddings!”. Of course God knows what to do best in this kind of situation. But I’ve been holding on to these preparations way too tight for my own good I started crushing everything, and crushing myself. I need to learn to let go.
Three hours and 4,677 kilometres apart, bowing our heads together we asked for Daddy’s forgiveness and mercy. I didn’t know how wedding preps could be so messy and mentally exhausting. Wouldn’t it be funny that you might get a mental breakdown for a supposedly the happiest day of your life? An oxymoron?
Andrew reminded me that when we start to let go, and let God plays His part (in which He is VERY GOOD AT!), nothing will go wrong. And someday, when we look back to the days, to these parties, we will say, “none of those are our works, it’s all by God’s grace”. He said that everything that has happened now has been by His grace; including how he got together with me. We would never thought that we’d be together, but look where we are now. It’s nothing else but God’s grace that has led us to this day. The reason I wrote this entry is also because later when I read it, I will be reminded that God’s grace is with me at this moment. And I am so grateful for this.
I am so grateful for the man God has given me. I’ve been sulking and bitching and kicking him around for these past months, and still he keeps coming back to me with his loving arms, eager to cuddle me. Still wanting me. I am so grateful how much love God have for me. I have been leaving Him in the back seat for these past months, and still He stays close to me, wrapping me in His love and waiting until I let down my guard and quit being a smart-ass and let Him to guide me. Daddy, I’m sorry, Yuko kurang ajar.
I need to learn to see life as a blessing, not a burden. The glass is not half-empty anymore, it’s half-full now. I am in the best place and the best situation ever at the moment. And every other moment. Because it’s all by God’s grace. He makes it perfect.
I’ve got 5 more Sundays until I officially become Mrs. Andrew Affandi. Although, I might be one already according to the Australian Law hehe. But 5 more Sundays until I can be with him all the time. I really can’t wait. I can’t wait to start my life with him, to see where Daddy will take us. I can’t wait to prove what has been said by Joyce Brothers, that “marriage is the salt of daily life; it makes everything just a little bit better”.
fingers crossed! There are still loads of works I need to tackle, to-do-lists to cross out, but nonetheless, excited for the good things to come!
Good night, Daddy. Thank You for being so sweet and kind and patient.