hope.

I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me.Yet this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope; Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning, great is Thy faithfulness. I say to myself, ‘The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him’. The Lord is good to those whose hope is in Him, to the one who seeks Him. 

~ Lamentation 3: 19-23, 25~

I am so tempted to say, “who am I kidding here? It will never going to work because this is all my fault!!”. But I pray for His Holy Spirit to open my eyes and soften my heart into obedience so I will be able to see that I still have hope in Him, no matter what has happened, no matter how I’ve started to go down the same spiral of doom. I still have hope that I will be better, I will get better, there’s a better life that He has designed for me, and He will walk with me until I am completely restored.

indeed..

This was what I wrote on my Facebook status before I went to bed on the night of the 8th of October 2010, 2 days before the 10/10/10; 

we always search for His ‘soft touch’ to change our lives, when it is His ‘hard touch’ that brings breakthrough for us. but however soft, or hard He teaches us, His love remains the same. (the story of Jacob, and Joseph)

It convicted me even more that He has prepared everything, even in things that we might see as trivial, to work together for good. I found this message when I incidentally flipped open my first journal which have been sitting on my bedside table for the past 2 years. He used it to remind me that His hard touches have never meant to bring harm to me, and that’s what I love about Him. You are amazing, Father.

I know You love me.

If anyone asked me how I have been, I’d say I’ve been feeling fantastic. Blessed. Blissful. Loved. Amazing. Amazed. And you may continue with other suited adjectives. Since the eye-opener occasion 6 months ago, my life was turned upside down and it eventually took a huge U-turn. What I thought would be impossible for me to reach and receive, whatever that was only dreams and some were not even dreams just because I didn’t have the courage to think about them, finally came true. 

As I started to walk the new walk and engulfed in these different experiences of love and happiness and relief, I wondered if Daddy would teach me something more. Well, honestly, when things go too smoothly, or too good to be true, I always have this nudge in my heart that “this can’t just be it”. There must be something more, something I can learn. Yes, I learn about chances, about a new beginning, about how He turns my mourning into dancing like a whiz of the wind. I learn about His merciful grace, because believe me, I’ve done so many bad things I don’t deserve any kind of love or affection or kindness from the One whom I hurt the most, but He still showers me with His unfailing love. Whenever I remember how much and how far He has brought me through up until today despite my pasts and my mistakes, it always brings me to tears because who am I to deserve all these?  But whether it is a pessimistic way of thinking or just a plain curiosity of what Daddy’s going to do next, I believe that there must be something more that He wants to show me. 

And indeed, He is a Father full of love, because He listens. I guess He agrees that I need to learn something from all these, despite all the good things that have happened to me. So He shook me to the core and taught me, through one precious soul that has brought such joy in my life for the past month. 

This is where I learn so much about grace. God in His power and might could wipe out bad people just like He did in the time of Noah. Even animals had more worth than humans back then! He could burn the sinners just like He did to the cities of Sodom and Gomorra. I, for one was not better than them. But instead of wiping me out or turning me to satay He overwhelmed me with things that I didn’t even dare to dream about. How bo ceng li is that? Moreover, how full of grace He is?! However ugly and crippled I was, He still says that I am beautiful and precious and worth it, and He gives me someone who has the same thought as His. When you don’t think that you deserve anything this good, and to finally find someone who can love you despite and because of your pasts, is just way beyond what my brain could possibly master. Boyfriend in humbleness always says that he won’t be the only one, that ‘there are many who are okay with that’. Well, d’uh, but I want you, mister 🙂 

I was thinking of doing something special on the 10/10/10, like a dinner out or something. But instead, it happened to be the day I had to search deep in my heart, once again, for what I want in life. Fragile and with brokenness in his eyes, he opened himself to me. And it totally ripped my heart out, it was like someone set fire inside my tummy and glued my mouth. My brain tried to reject the information, but it was too late. I heard him. In the middle of pain and denial, Daddy reminded me that “but darling, this was what you asked of Me”. A lesson. “But it is such a WHALE of a lesson, Daadd!! it’s too big to swallow!” I complained in my tears. Seriously, it got me thinking in a sec that I should be more careful of what I wish for. But His ways are higher, aren’t they. And He possess far more wisdom than I do (tsk. d’uh!). He’s prepared me for this battle, He didn’t let me went through dark times for nothing. I wasn’t judged for my mistakes, therefore I may not judge. I was forgiven, so that I may forgive. And who am I to punish or even do anything to him for what he did, when I know exactly how it feels, because I’ve been there. I’ve been there a whole lot more than him, to be torn apart into shreds and not knowing how to sew yourself back into one piece. I know, I understand.

And when boyfriend said he’ll understand if I can’t accept him and he’ll bow out, it shocked me how it hurt SO MUCH MORE than what was inflicted from whatever he told me before. At that moment I realized how much love I have for him. Well yes, I love him, I just didn’t know how much. And Daddy, in all His wisdom and funny way in answering questions, did just that. You are Special, Daddy!

Hun, I regretted that I couldn’t be there for you, I’m so sorry you had to go through that hell alone all this time. I wish I could turn back time, but then I would have to wait for a while before I could be with you and that’d suck. 

KD, in his Sunday 10/10/10 sermon, talked about having a grateful heart. One of them is by seeing the glass as half-full instead of half-empty, to see life from what we’ve got and what we have instead of what we could and don’t have. In his regret, he said that he wished he could be slightly more perfect for me. But why would I need another perfect partner in Christ? Christ wouldn’t be too much of use if we are perfect already, would He. It is only and ONLY by His grace and mercy that we can be together; these two crippled souls with dark pasts and sky high weaknesses stacking up here and there, prone to make mistakes again and again, but deeply loved by our Daddy. Who am I, and who are you, if not for His grace? 🙂

I remember a quote from Bob Marley that says, “truth is, everybody is going to hurt you. You just gotta have to find the ones worth the suffering for”. And I am so grateful Daddy finds us as ones worth suffering for. He let His Son to be beaten up and tore apart and killed in the most humiliated way because He finds us worthy. I can’t grasp how deep His love is for us, but from what I’ve just gone through, I think I got the gist of it. Well, just a teeniie tiny bit, but I got an idea of it. And I am so thankful that we have Daddy in between us; Someone to look up to, to hold on to, because I don’t think I’d be able to compose myself and not going crazy after all that if I had to go through it alone. And I want to say that you are also worth it, hun. You are worth it. I love you not because of what you’ve done to me or what you promise you will; I love you for you. As Daddy loves you for you. 

And if I may, I’ll say it again and again and again, that His grace is sufficient for me , for His power is made perfect in my weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me [2 Corinthians 12:9]. It has never been about me, or you, or us from the beginning. It’s all about Him and His grace. And let all the glory and honor be unto Him through the lessons and the grace He’s preparing for me, and for you, and us 🙂
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O Lord You’ve searched me
You know my ways
Even when I fail You
I know You love me
You go before me
You shield my way
Your hand upholds me
I know You love me

At the cross I bow my knees
Where Your blood was shed for me
There’s no greater love than this
You have overcome the grave
Your glory fills the highest place
what can separate me now