To whom..

To whom I used to belong,

I know that these words won’t do anything to us,
they won’t heal our wounds, they won’t wipe our tears away
and they won’t give back all that had been missing between us,
that had been taken away from us.

But if only they could, they would speak to you,
that I am so sorry.

I’m sorry for all the things that I’ve put you through,
I’m sorry for the hardship and the inability to overcome them.

I loved you,
I did. Please don’t question me about that.

If you asked me did I want to make things work, I’d say yes.
If you asked me did I dream about us, together, I’d say yes.
If anyone asked whether I did everything to save us, I’d say yes. And you knew it.

Sometimes no matter how desperate we want someone to be in our lives,
it’s just not meant to be. ?
No matter how hard we are willing to sacrifice ourselves for things that we think are good for us,
it’s not just meant to be.?
Because good is not always right. And you know it.

I don’t have the right to say, “let’s just be friends”?
because I know how impossible that is for us. ?
We can’t go back to 8 years ago, when we were so innocent,?
so full of hope that things would come out alright.

So, if I may, I’d say,?
Let’s just be thankful, and not regretful.
For what we’ve had, for what we’ve been through?
For I am not who I am today without you, and so are you.

And when the time has come,
let’s not be afraid.
Let’s just open our hearts, and let in someone new.
Someone who can complete us,
who deserves our trust and love.
Let us not repeat our mistakes,
because we deserve a second chance,
the chance to make us a better creation in Christ.

The journey doesn’t stop here, my dear.
The road is still long and wide, for you and me.
I wish you well, and I know you will do the same for me.
Thank you, for everything.
For having me, for being you.

Thank you.

“Think of all the things we’ve shared and seen,
don’t think about the way things might have been..”
~Christine, of Phantom of the Opera~ 

an intermezzo..

quite an unapparent habit of mine:

taking-over bemo/angkot/”the crazy Indo’s public transport which only the driver and God know where they are heading to” on the way to work.

And I’m having this sense of unhealthy accomplishment after doing that. Feels like a superwoman hahahaha..

Pardon the randomness. Now get back to work, peeps.

that First Love :)

So, Daddy, as You said, 

When you look for me, you will find Me.
When you wholeheartedly seek Me, I will let you find Me.  
                                                                 [Jeremiah 29:13-14a]

Thank You. I love You =)
First Loveby Kirk Franklin

I just wanna talk to somebody right now,
who’s been gone away for a long time
You don’t have to run no more
You can come back home

~I know they hurt you,
they saw you stumble but didn’t help you
And now they left you
They were quick to pray but slow to move
And now you’re empty,
too tired to run you walk away

In the night there’s a voice if you listen,
He sweetly says,

“Come back to your first love, first love
Come back to your  first love, first love
Come back home .. back where you belong
Back to your first love
First love  …”

You didn’t make it
You thought your love would last forever
Ain’t it funny
How a chapter can make a story change
Cold and lonely
You never knew hurt could feel this way 

Understand there’s a plan if you’re patient 
hear He sweetly says,  

 Come back to your first love, first love
Come back to your first love, first love
Come back home .. back where you belong
Back to your first love
First love … “

God is able to heal if you listen
and He’ll show you His will if you listen
but you gotta be still and just listen!

Come back to your first love, first love
I’m back with my first love, first love
I’m back home .. back where I belong =)
Back with my.. with my first love
First love. 

I love those who love Me. Those who diligently seek me will find Me
[Proverbs 8:17]

“Walk with Me. Remember; I’m with you, and you’re with Me”

Thank you, Chika, for the song. You know how much it meant to me =) 





I miss You..

People mostly recall the ‘first’ of things in their lives;
The first cry of your baby, 
The first day of school,
The first time you met that special person,
First kiss,
The first fight, and how you made up
The first love.

I honestly don’t remember the first time I met You, Daddy. But I still remember how my heart leapt in joyful dancing when You said You loved me, and I am Yours, five years ago. I remember the feeling of that first love, when it seemed that nothing could stop me from loving You, nor that I would stop doing so.

I’m not saying that I don’t love You anymore, Daddy. I do. But why do I feel like dragging myself to sit with You, even for a little while, for our talk? This is You, and not a nobody that has done or had nothing to do with my entire life. Why do I have to bargain my time and energy when it comes to You, now? Would You still believe when I said I still love You? 

I still have the two journals filled with our conversations. We seemed like having lots of fun things to talk about, to share. So many secrets You revealed for me, so many thoughts and dreams and wishes I offered to You. And now when I flip those pages over, I can’t remember how we could do that and I don’t know how to even begin to rekindle the dimmed fire. And it breaks my heart. And I can’t imagine how it does Yours.

Remember the conversation I had with Your guy couple of years back, Daddy, about love and commitment? That I thought commitment would be more important in a marriage because it glues the union together, even when the other ingredient is fading away? As Your guy said it, and now I can feel it myself, commitment without love sucks. I’m still going to church, You know I do. I still sing and pray to You. But that’s it. I don’t grow, I do nothing to feed my spirit, and guess whose fault is that; mine. I’m still committed to You but I just lost that fire, Lord. I’m losing that first love. 

Is it wrong to whine, Lord, about losing that burning passion that I’ve always had when I was in Melbourne, throughout Winter Camps and a few months after? Sharon Jaynes, in her book, said that it is okay to tell You how I feel. And this is exactly how I feel, Daddy.


I shouldn’t be in the position where I am now. I should’ve been doing something for You already. It’s been almost one freakin’ year since I went home from that city that I’m still home-sick about, and I’ve done nothing. I want to be included in Your business, and look where I am now. What a lousy daughter I am, Daddy 🙁 

I miss You so much, Daddy. 
I wish I know how to handle this. Forgive me for I am not being an obedient girl. At times when the Holy Spirit reminded me to sit right back up after I turned off the light at night I just chose to ignore His gentle voice. Lucky me, He is such a gentle, modest Spirit or He would’ve pinched me or pulled my ear for not listening. Thank you for giving me the urge to write up this crappy piece full of complaints and frustrations, Lord. I really need to start writing again, and even a bad post is enough because I just forget how to release myself and pour out my heart to my brain and my fingers without worrying about what people would say about the posts. 

It is said that prayer is the fastest thing on earth because it reaches You even before we say it. I guess You knew what went through my mind when I typed this post, Lord. There’s still so many things I want to write, and I feel like I’m losing my ways to do so. One step at a time, I suppose 🙂

So, this is me, Daddy. Coming back to You, begging You to show me Your love, once again. 
Because I just .. miss You. So much. Very very much.