Lord, I may not hear Your voice, but You listen. Always. 

I happened to read this entry 10 minutes after I posted my last entry. 

Alice, please keep writing. You don’t know what kind of blessings God has stored through your works 🙂 God bless you, my dear friend ..

the ‘unreasonable’ dreads

I dread.. 
taking naps, cos it feels unproductive and lazy
while I waste my time on Facebook and Stumbleupon when I don’t 

I dread..
eating too much rice, cos I don’t want to get fat just as I was 5 years ago
but not enough rice in my  system means getting light-headed and lethargic

I dread..
getting diabetes, cos I feed myself with unreasonable amount of sugar
but not enough sugar in my system means crankiness and moodiness

I dread.. 
going out of my apartment to throw the garbage in the garbage chute, less than 20 metres from my door,
I’ve locked myself three times for the past four years

I dread..
driving alone at night on unfamiliar roads, especially highways,
cos I’m afraid I won’t get to my destination

I dread.. 
ironing at home around this time, cos it emphasizes how alone I am at home
I have to blast my iTunes to the max to accompany me

I dread..
disappointing my dad, cos he’s hoping so much from me 
when I don’t think I do have anything to make him proud

I dread..
not knowing what I want, and wanting so much at the same time
and not having the courage to pursue any of them

I dread..
goodbyes, moving out from the places I’m familiar with, and painful changes
even if I know those little things help me grow

I dread..
not being the girl that my boyfriend expects me to be, after all I’ve done to him 
after all the aches and the painful times that I can’t help but keep coming back to them

I dread..
not being able to hear God’s soothing voice and His loving touch when I pray
because I am such a lousy daughter  

Above all these unreasonable dreads I have inside me, 
I dread the most the inability to be myself and tell you what’s in my heart,
as it creeps in and kills away my consciences.  

Above all, I dread myself.