until then ..

An hour ago
I saw you for the last time in person, before I’m gone 
Back to where we’ve been maintaining our relationship
A physically and mentally tiring long-distance relationship  
For these five years

I hate saying good-bye
I hate seeing that agony and fear and pain
flickering in your eyes, though you tried to cover it up
I hoped my tears could hinder me from seeing them 

I hate saying that the wait won’t be long 
It’ll be over you won’t even realize it
When it is damn long,
Every single one of them have been

Is it worth it, I asked you 
Does the wait worth it ?
Does all the tears and sweat, the money and phone calls, the hardship,
worth your time and energy, and love ?

And you said, 
that it’s not about worth, or not,
You don’t even care about it
What you do know is that you love me. That’s it. 

And that’s more than enough for me.

Maybe, if you love someone so much,
you can grow stronger
You can bear difficult times,
and indulge in lovely times. 

That’s what I see in you
You who grow stronger every year, waiting.  
For me.

You are a brave man, my darling.
And I am so honoured to be your girlfriend, again and again
When many have said that they despise this kind of relationship
because as I do, they won’t be able to have that quality time, together.
You keep on striving, for me.

And I am so delighted to say that 
your wait will come to an end. 
That there will be no major separation anymore,
because I am coming home. To you. 

Until then .. 
I’ll try to behave like a good girl,
and please do so with yourself  
Spend this separation time the best we can
And when we are back together, we’ll have a whole load of memories
of what we’ve been doing  

We will cherish the hard works we’ve spent 
We will laugh at our stupidity
We will learn from our mistakes 
We will make a plan on our wedding day (haha ..)

But,
until then ..

to you, Daniel Chandra.
I love you.

oh.mygosh.

I don’t know how many times I have refreshed the page. I’ve grunted in disbelief for the unchanging layout after 45 minutes. Would you start already ?! I can’t even stare at the shining red typo ‘not avalilable’ anymore. Just get me in. NOW!

It’s 1.59am, and I realize the uploading is getting a bit slower. Okay this is it. THIS is IT.

not.  >=(

I jump from the robotic voice “It’s two o’clock” from the laptop. Thanks, I know that. Isn’t that inhuman. 

It’s 2.04am. And I’ve lost the battle on one subject. Gah. Way shorter Monday, and as a compensation, a way longer Tuesday. Six hours at school without a break. Hmm, why not.

As it has happened before (this is my third time ‘fighting’ the lot to ‘reap’ the best timetable, none of them went perfectly as I planned them. Of course.), the RMIT Student Timetabling System and the infamously dodgy server once again successfully sent me to the sensation of stomach-churning and heart-throbbing event. As always, I grumbled and wished that I got everything as I planned them, cos that would be sooo nicee. But after all the excitements and worry have dispersed, I started to see that the timetable is not too bad at all. It looks even; a short day to start the week, one long day, followed by a day-off, another short one, and finished off by a rather short day with two-hour break before heading to glorious weekend. 

Quite happy =) 

Father, thank You for giving me the best. I know You always do. Thank You for Your kindness and faithfullness. 

And thanks to Papa and Kentir who stayed late to wake me up =D Thank you, everything went quite well. 

Arggh I can’t believe I only have 4 days left before flying back to Melbourne. Lovely city, I miss her. This torn feeling every time I’m about to head home to Surabaya or the other way around, it’s so complicated yet very nostalgic. That’s why I am always super nervous whenever I’m about to travel far, especially when I love the places both.

Five more months before I’m going back to Indonesia for good. And I can’t imagine how I will react to that. HALAH, let’s just focus on the new semester, shall we. Have to shop for food and notebooks (to write, that is, not the laptops) once I arrive, because this time I am a bit bonek to actually fly back only a day before the school starts. 

But all in all, can’t wait! >D

Lord, I am crippled in Your sight, and bathed in filthy sin. 
I have destroyed the temple that You’ve repaired within me, 
and I don’t know what I have left to go on.
Please forgive me, Father, have mercy on me.  
I don’t even know where to go.

Father, help me!

I was so foolish and ignorant;
I was like a beast before You.
Nevertheless, I am continually with You;
You hold me by my right hand. 
You will guide me with Your counsel, and 
Afterward receive me in glory.  
Whom have I in heaven but You?
And there is none upon earth that I desire beside You.
My flesh and my heart fail;
but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
(Psalm 73:22-26)

thank You.

Life is, as people may say, complicated.

It is sweet, as it is bitter.
It is joy, as it is pain.
It is laughter, as it is tears.
It is blessings, as it is curse.

It is hope, as it is desperation. 
It is love, as it is hatred.
It is smooth sailing, as it is rocky road.
It is whole, as it is broken.

Life is, as we all know, complicated. 
Thank God mine’s Yours. 

I could say that I don’t care, but I don’t. 
I could chuck everything away and say “the hell with everything”, but I don’t.
I could snap back and hurt those I love the most, but I don’t.  
I could wish I was not living this life, but I don’t.

For everything under the heaven has its own consequence.
As they say, no good deed goes unpunished,
no act of charity goes unresented. 
Can one claim his action as a good deed, when it hurts people?  

Lord, You slapped me in the face, and I thank You. 
There’s still long and laborious road laid ahead of me, as it has been. 
As I chose it to be.
I thank You, because I know You are always there,
as my life is Yours.